Bible Brad

Tough Love

6 min read

Context

  • Over the last several years, one of the big things I’ve grappled with personally has been the fine line between Love and “tough love” - acting stern with the end goal of steering someone away from a path of destruction (a Love heart, not a malicious one)
  • Verses like “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him” (Prov 13:24) seem to blatantly contradict other verses like “Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.” (Matt 5:42)
  • What does the bible have to say on “tough love”

The Case for Tough Love

  • The Devil prowls like a hungry lion (1 Pet 5:8)

    Be sober and alert. Your enemy the devil, like a roaring lion,
     is on the prowl looking for someone to devour.

  • Many are lead down the path that leads to destruction - the law of sin & death (Matt 7:13-14)

    “Enter through the narrow gate, because the gate is wide and the way is spacious that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. But the gate is narrow and the way is difficult that leads to life, and there are few who find it.

  • The LORD uses tough Love on us as Christians (Heb 12:3-13)

    Think of him who endured such opposition against himself by sinners, so that you may not grow weary in your souls and give up. You have not yet resisted to the point of bloodshed in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as sons?

    *My son__,* *do not scorn the Lord’s discipline or give up when he corrects you__.* _For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son he accepts__. (_Prov 3:12)

    Endure your suffering as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline? But if you do not experience discipline, something all sons have shared in, then you are illegitimate and are not sons. Besides, we have experienced discipline from our earthly fathers and we respected them; shall we not submit ourselves all the more to the Father of spirits and receive life? For they disciplined us for a little while as seemed good to them, but he does so for our benefit, that we may share his holiness. Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful. But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your listless hands and your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but be healed.

  • Life will be hard — Enduring hardship is a reflection of our status as a child of God in an ungodly world

  • We are called to be transformed by the renewing of our mind. When we don’t listen to the still, small voice, God will sometimes use tough Love to set our path straight

    • Example: Jonah
    • Example: Samson’s imprisonment (Judges 16:21-22, 26-31, recall his mission Judges 13:5 “…he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hand of the Philistines.”)
    • Example: Paul on the road to Damascus (Acts 9)

  • Keeping that in mind, the easy answer is tough Love every time!

The Case Against

  • Is there ever a time when we shouldn’t use tough love?

  • God calls us to Love our enemies (Matt 5:44-45)

    But I say to you, Love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be like your Father in heaven, since he causes the sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

  • We are called to be merciful (Matt 5:7)

    Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy

  • We’re instructed to turn the other cheek and give cheerfully and freely (Matt 5:38-42, 2 Cor 9:7b)

    You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist the evildoer. But whoever strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well. And if someone wants to sue you and to take your tunic, give him your coat also. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to the one who asks you, and do not reject the one who wants to borrow from you.

    Each one of you should give just as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, because God loves a cheerful giver.

  • The pitfalls

    1. Can come from a position of superiority
      1. The poor or broken hearted don’t need a reminder of their mistakes
      2. Nor do they need someone to “intervene” in matters they don’t understand
      3. This can come across as arrogant, not loving
    2. It doesn’t spur others to fend for themselves
      1. Social Intelligence (Daniel Goleman) explains that positive reinforcement spurs creativity, critical thinking, cognitive flexibility, and the speed at which we process information
      2. For someone aiming to climb from poverty, those are skills that are needed
      3. Negative messages, or ones that focus on flaws, lends to fear, anxiety, and a lessening of the scope of vision
    3. Can be selfishly motivated
      1. Tough Love can truly be a power grab: forcing someone to do something the way that the person “in power” would like it done
      2. It can assume that an outcome will be quick, clean, and easy if only they stay strict

Closing Thoughts

  • Love needs to get tough at times, otherwise silence leads to negligence, which - to the recipient - means acceptance
  • However, we have to rely on wisdom to know when to walk along someone for a time and when to show tough love
  • Whether we show tough Love or “real” love, our end goal should be the other person’s ultimate safety, standing in Christ, and well-being

Important

Question: Do you have any experience in showing tough love?Are there any general rules of thumbs to apply? (i.e. is the line “sin” or something else)Do you have anyone in your life where you’ve needed to show tough love? Did it work out?

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